As a Mother I think it is important to talk about postpartum changes. This is my struggle with seeing the beauty in my Postpartum Body.
Is it possible for a dress to make you feel pretty? I used to think so – that an outfit had the power of taking away insecurities. Then one day I put on one of my favorite dresses that always makes me feel the epitome of beauty and it didn’t work. I spent an hour on my hair, painted my toenails, and I still felt… less. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and try again later.
Beauty can’t be bought in a store. It isn’t hanging on a rack or hidden inside of a tube of eyeliner. It comes from the inside and its a feeling only you can manifest and embrace. There are days when I struggle with finding beauty in my postpartum body… and I know I’m not alone.
“Although beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, the feeling of being beautiful exists solely in the mind of the beheld.” Martha Beck
Let me tell you a little bit about my background on self-image.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with feeling beautiful in my own skin. Whether it’s my weight or the way my hair falls, my squinty right eye or the lines in my face when I smile, happiness with my physical appearance has never seemed easy. During high school and college is when I was most unsatisfied with myself. I tried everything on the outside to feel beautiful, from dying my hair blonde to exercising excessively, but at the end of the day my insecurities won.
Pregnancy and motherhood has impacted my vision of what beauty feels and looks like.
My body has carried the weight of a child twice and as I watched it stretch, expand, and transform in so many ways, it was difficult to look at the scale at the doctors – even though the increase in number meant we were both healthy. When I caught a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror I would shudder, even though I knew this was normal. It’s natural. And to be pregnant is a beautiful gift.
After each one of my daughters was born, I stared at the scale on a daily basis, hoping to lose another number. Now at almost one year postpartum, I weigh less than I did when I thought I was thin in my younger years. Do I think this is beautiful? Sometimes… but there is more to be said.
My hair has fallen out in clumps and grown back. My curls are strange and my scalp becomes oily. My skin has changed significantly, I’ve been so pimply I resemble a 13 year old going through puberty for weeks. My breasts at their smallest were a size A and the largest a DDD, and now waiver somewhere in between a B and C. My hormones even make my actual body odor smell differently these days … EVERYTHING I have ever known I’ve looked like from the outside has changed.
When I started writing this post, I thought I would end it by saying how beautiful I feel today, no matter what I wear, because being a Mother has made me feel so. That’s a lie though. There are moments when I still look in a mirror and hate what’s looking back at me. It’s not a problem of what I physically see, it’s what is happening within my heart and soul. Beauty is happiness and satisfaction – it’s being the best possible self I can be inside and out. So, if you wonder why my posts may seem distant lately – this is why. I’m just working on becoming a better me… and I hope you stick around while I try to figure it out.
Read more about My Journey to Loving my REAL Self here.
You are the best writer in all the land! Seriously though, this is so well written, thank you for sharing such a personal account. I do think that dress is beautiful and am stealing it when I see you next. Love you, GF xoxox (I loved you even during our college “puffied face” days)
girlfriend you are GORGEOUS but i get the constant battle of self loving ourselves. im in the same boat.
As your Mom I must say I cried today reading this. I feel sad as I know all too well what you are feeling. I am so proud of you for working on changing your way of thinking/feeling. Not just for you but for your daughters. I only wish I had done the same when I was young… possibly you would not be struggling with these emotions today. Your a brave beautiful woman inside and out. I love you!
Friend, you’re not alone. I have also struggled with all of these same issues for as long as I could remember. (I recently wrote about it, too).
Just know that others see and appreciate your beauty more than you know.
xoxo
❤️
You got this.
I know it is probably hard to hear sometimes, especially when people you don’t really even know tell you so, but you are beautiful – not just in professional photographs or in pretty clothes… your blog/writing is so real and that is beautiful too. Plus, your daughters are so beautiful and that is a reflection of you as well!
I have also carried two babies and am 13 months postpartum. I also weigh less than I did before I was pregnant but things just don’t “hang” the same. It has been hard to deal with. I try to remind myself what miracles my body has created and that it’s still beautiful in it’s own way. Eventually I’ll either accept it or change it (when I have time), but until then I’m trying to give myself a break about it. Hang in there mama!
I totally understand and agree with you. It’s the most uncomfortable feeling in the world when you’re not happy within. No matter how great you look you only see ugly.
I love your blog! So raw and personal ❤️
Also where is this dress from?!
You’re so right! Motherhood changes everything. I love your saying that you’re working on being a better me. That’s such a great goal and reminder that it’s something you’ve got to work on daily. I don’t always like what I see in the mirror either. But, I keep plugging away to be a better me each day.