Fact: I have health anxiety. It’s not the kind of “health anxiety” you’ll read about if you search the term online. It’s a bit different. Over the last few weeks I’ve been struggling to get a handle on my migraines. The biggest question on repeat in my mind: Are migraines triggered by hormones, stress, sinus infections, or worse – a brain tumor? As I check off the list of possible reasons why these migraines have returned after six years, my anxiety is at an all time high.
I am terrified I’m secretly dying. I’m scared to leave my daughters without a Mom. I worry I have a life threatening disease in my body, silently waiting to be discovered too late.
A Little Bit About My Health Issues
Throughout my life I have experienced a variety of health issues. My chart shows a history of IBS, generalized anxiety, migraines, gastritis, environmental allergies, and more. I see specialized doctors for check-ups and treatment throughout the year, some more frequent than others. Overall I’m healthy, but that doesn’t mean I can’t the worry there’s something worse going on in my body.
I’m no stranger to an MRI, CAT Scan, bloodwork or allergy testing. My physicians are thorough, so if I’m not feeling well I am given all the tests. My experience with the testing doesn’t make handling the thought of the unknown easier. I battle a sense of anxiety about my health with every trip to the doctors’ office.
Just yesterday I had an MRI for my sudden frequent migraines. The day leading up to the test I was a wreck, crying tears of worry and lashing out on everyone around me. When I feel anxious I cannot control my emotions.
What if they find something horrible? What if I have cancer or a tumor? How do I tell my children I’m sick or dying?
It’s wild how quickly your mind can be flooded with fear and doubt over the unknown. Being a Mom doesn’t help my nerves, as I know whatever happens to me will directly affect my daughters. I think living with health anxiety as a Mom is harder than if I didn’t have children.
Where does my health anxiety come from?
Health anxiety is defined as an obsessive and irrational worry about having a serious medical condition. It was formerly called hypochondria, a condition marked by a person’s imagination of physical symptoms of illness. Let it be known, I am not a hypochondriac. The perturbation I feel related to my health always stems from a pre-existing illness. My anxious emotions therefore seem justified.
Consider the frightening fact that life is unpredictably unfair.
In 34 years, I’ve have had more family and friends die from health related illnesses than old age. Brain tumors, a heart condition, and cancer are the culprits behind their untimely deaths. Each cause of death was unavoidable – and the uncertainty of these conditions terrifies me more than a room filled with dinosaurs and giants.
What scares me is how a person can be healthy one day and dying the next. I know we are all slowly dying, a little each day, but to be given a number of days left to live is terrifying. In each instance described above, my loved one’s lives were instantly changed with one diagnosis.
Health Anxiety is Common?
Yesterday I shared details about my health anxiety with my Instagram followers and was blown away by the response. Not only is anxiety about your health SO common, but many of my followers were relieved to find out they aren’t alone while battling these fears.
I know my health anxiety will always linger, like a faded stain on a white t-shirt, until I have concrete evidence I’m okay. One of the best ways I cope with this anxiety is to TALK ABOUT IT. To speak openly about my feelings is my own form of therapy. That’s part of the reason I write this blog – to put the thoughts in my head somewhere I can physically read them. Sometimes all it takes it seeing your fears in print to accept what’s irrational. Even though health anxiety may seem crippling, I’m happy to be able to start learning coping techniques and processes.
I too had anxiety about my health when I was a young mother! I think it’s fairly common because of the paralyzing thoughts of your kids being without you and all that a mother brings to her children’s lives.
I would lie in bed and cry just imagining the worst scenario!!
Trust me, it will get better as you age, but if it’s a big concern, maybe something for anxiety should be considered.
But, more than anything, don’t let your anxiety about what might happen tomorrow ruin today’s best life!
I do not have health anxiety, apparently. I did not have migraines-at least not optical ones or ones that blinded me/caused nausea. But I did have weakness, fatigue, sleeplessness, burning hot, and intermittent facial numbness and hearing loss in September 2018. As I was nearing 50, I figured it was just menopause and maybe I did have some underlying chronic fatigue condition rather than my sense that it was low blood pressure or low blood sugar or the incredible stress our family was under with other diagnoses we were managing, and I should see a doctor. I was the healthy one, we thought. I figured I’d get a diagnosis, I’d make some changes, and I’d move on.
By October, I had to turn over my keys. The fatigue and brain fog were more than I could bear, and I was walking into walls. The doctor said my blood work showed me to the picture of health, and decided to label me with anxiety. Maybe if I practiced deep breathing, the symptoms would go away. Even as she watched me walk into wall in her office!
On October 12th, after seeing a vestibular therapist and ENT who determined there was a vestibular issue, and after seeing my eye doctor who said “why has no one done a brain mri yet? Obviously something is wrong, and it’s not your vision.” she sent me to her neurologist who did a stat brain MRI, and on October 12th 2018 I was sent with teh ER with an urgent “you have a large brain tumor pressing on your brain stem, and you could die.”
I’ve lived the trauma of a brain tumor diagnosis. I said good bye to my children to go to the ER, wondering if I’d ever see them again. I had to call my parents and my son in New England and tell them what was going on. I had to listen to my father break down. So I have no anxiety. We can overcome everything sent our way because we are all stronger and more capable than we think. I have facial paralysis. I am deaf in one ear. I have permanent life altering vestibular gait/balance issues. I’ll be in facial therapy for years. And interestingly, as soon as the tumor came off my vestibular nerve I was sleeping again. I had no more hot flashes. What I had was not anxiety. It was fight or flight, my body trying not to die while I slept.
My mantra since has been “This is hard. Do it anyway.” And I’ve come way farther than anyone’s prediction of my outcome. I have, in fact, gotten a diagnosis, made far more changes than I knew I’d have to make, and I have moved on while still dealing with a chronic life long illness.
Wow! You are amazing!
Thank you for sharing this! Again I say it makes us who deal with similar feelings, feel less alone!
I do not have health anxiety but I do suffer from anxiety in general and insomnia. At night specially I am constantly worried about something bad happening to my daughter and husband and how life is so unpredictable. I did not sleep for 3 nights straight after the koby bryant tragedy. I am currently 5 weeks pregnant and extremely worried and anxious about this risky period in pregnancy, I am in constant fear of something going wrong. Is not fun 🙁 I’ve been trying to not look at my phone before bed, take deep breaths and repeat anti anxiety phrases in my head, that has helped! Thanks for sharing this!
I am so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with migraines again! Mine got out of control over the summer after several years of being regulated, so I completely understand how you feel. I felt a complete lack of control over my body & it took so long for the doctors to get a handle on things so that I could function again. Luckily, I am finally back to “normal” for a migraine-sufferer after so many tests & med changes. I hope that you get some answers soon. Also, thank you for being so open about your anxiety – sometimes I think that it’s just me who worries so much before a test. It’s hard for most people to understand the fear that comes from wanting an answer, but also fearing the worst answer possible.
~Amy
Thanks for sharing so relatable. It’s tough to talk about anxiety especially when trying to explain it to someone who isn’t effected by it
Thank you so much for saying this out loud. I’m a mama of 3 little girls. I’ve struggled with postpartum anxiety and after recently having my 3rd little girl, this is the anxiety I have been feeling. I’m also an oncology nurse, so I have taken care of mamas like me; mamas who were healthy and then all of a sudden a routine visit turned not so routine. I constantly struggle with the “why not me, why them” thought and I’m worried I’m “ missing something.” I have never been able to put into words what you did with this post. I’m really glad I’m not alone in feeling this way. Thank you so much.
Praying that allbturms out well ?❤
Thank you, thank you for writing this. As a mom, we worry. About everything, incessantly. The kids, ourselves and I’m always Dr Googling something and self-diagnosing cancer. Health issues are terrifying, probably the thing I worry about most. It’s real and you put words to it all.
I can relate to this so much. I am the same way.