What does it mean to be on the same team as your spouse? As we approach a huge milestone – 20 years together and 15 years married – I am reflecting on the importance of being a team player in my marriage and how we are partners in parenting.
Being a Team Player in Your Marriage
Marriage is hard for so many reasons. It doesn’t help when life is always changing, throwing curve balls and fire balls and cement balls that take you down. As partners in marriage, it’s your duty to go down together, or at least reach a hand out to help the one who’s fallen.
When you become parents you’ll find yourselves knocked on the ground for one thing or another. It will feel like there is no way to get back up unless you roll away to figure it out alone. The distance may become vast between you and the one you promised to stand beside forever. How do you find your way back together? How do you overcome what has pushed you apart?
The solution: Teamwork. You can’t be in a relationship for yourself or by yourself especially when you become parents. A scary medical situation, a difficult discipline moment, or even a monumental milestone – there will be challenges in parenting when you have to act as a team. The transition from two kids to three kids has been wild – and I couldn’t ride the rollercoaster without my husband sitting next to me.
What does it mean to be on the same team as your spouse?
Before explaining teamwork in marriage, it’s important to understand: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE ON EVERYTHING. You are allowed to have a difference of opinions (and to voice those opinions). It is normal and healthy to fight with your spouse.
Teamwork in marriage is the base of a successful partnership. When spouses operate as a unified team, they navigate life’s journey side by side instead of one in front of the other. What does it mean to be on the same team as your spouse? It is actively engaging with your partner to create a dynamic, supportive, and loving environment. From communication to equal duties to emotional support, no one feels like they are bearing responsibilities alone.
My husband and I are not a team. It took quite some time to learn about teamwork in marriage. I first heard the concept during a therapy session while discussing how my husband and I parent our children differently. We always played good cop/bad cop, but our tactics were failing. Our disunity caused confusion, and often resistance, from our daughters in understanding our expectations. My therapist said parents should never be on opposite teams – instead, parents should play (work) together.
Why Being a Team Player in Parenting Matters
Adding a third child to our family forced my husband and I to commit fully to play on the same team. There were traditional parenting roles that just worked before I became pregnant with Arbor. As a Mother, I was the caretaker, nurturer, and housekeeper. As a Father, my husband was the main financial provider and fun guy. But once pregnancy symptoms literally sent me to bed, my husband had to step in and do it all.
After Arbor was born, I had a difficult postpartum period of illness and depression. Three children is A LOT to handle, so the best thing my husband and I can do is work together. He continued to do more with the older children and help around the house until the postpartum fog lifted. Then we discussed the blending of our roles, how to divide and conquer, and how teamwork would translate over to parenting three girls.
Clear communication is essential to being successful partners in parenting. Listening and positive talk is the best way to problem solve and manage conflict. It’s normal to have disagreements, but as long as you agree on what matters most – the children – then you’re on the right track. Partners are going to have different ways of getting to the same outcome, but one path is not always better than the other. It can be a hard pill to swallow at first – learning you are not always right (ahem, me). But at the end of the day, it isn’t about being right or wrong as a parent.
Some of the best advice I have been given about parenting is this: TRY TO ENJOY YOURSELVES. In the middle of all the mayhem, you’re going to come across some extraordinarily wild, grin-inducing, ‘can-this-be-really-happening’ moments. Remember to laugh together, especially after an argument, and celebrate the good times.
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