Postpartum depression is tricky. Do I have it? Do I not have it? In my opinion, there shouldn’t be a textbook definition for PPD because symptoms differ from woman to woman. All I know is that this time around my baby blues have been unique.
It has taken me exactly five months to write this post -a post I thought would be easy to put into words once I the “fourth trimester” is over. However, if I’m being really honest, I don’t know if I’m fully done processing. Here is how I really feel with my postpartum depression 5 months after my baby.
Before I dive into what may be a jumbled mess of emotion, I’d like to propose an extension to the 12 week period after child birth known as “The Fourth Trimester.” What’s known as a time of great physical and emotional change for Mom and baby, the fourth trimester lasts much longer than three months. Arbor and I are still adjusting to our new life (and bodies) together.
The first eight weeks of Arbor’s life seems like a blur – so foggy that I can’t remember some things that happened. My brain seemed to shut down during that time, perhaps to protect itself while I struggled emotionally and mentally. I just moved through the motions of motherhood somedays, falling into bed at night and not really knowing much of what happened during the day.
You have postpartum depression.
It’s strange because I don’t recall crying so much after Annabelle and Ailey were born. My postpartum depression occurred while weaning from breastfeeding after their first birthdays. I felt an indescribable darkness creep over my head despite the joy in my heart very soon after giving birth to Arbor.
I’m not sure when I first realized I had postpartum depression – but there were a couple of instances it was brought to my attention. I knew I was struggling, but I thought my awareness was good enough to get me through the tough times. Unfortunately, acknowledging you are depressed postpartum isn’t the same as treating your postpartum depression.
The Pediatrician brought up my baby blues at Arbor’s two-week checkup when I started crying out of nowhere. Then my Midwife not-so-nonchalantly mentioned PPD during my second mastitis appointment. When I failed the mental health survey during my 6 week checkup I wasn’t surprised when the midwife asked if I would consider taking Zoloft again. My therapist concurred with her suggestion – but also proposed I wait a week or two to see how I felt.
Spoiler: I opted out of medication, but wonder if I would have had an easier time navigating life had I taken it.
Unpacking My Postpartum Emotions
When I found out I was pregnant last year, I was so excited to have another baby during the holiday season. Annabelle was born in December 2013 and it felt like the most magical month. It’s a lot different giving birth to a baby around Christmas when you already have two other children. I tried to prepare for Christmas as best as I could, but no one can plan to be depressed and how to function during her favorite time of year. THIS stuck with me for a few weeks after the holidays. I was upset with myself for being upset.
Some times I could explain why I felt somber, but others were mysterious. It was like someone strapped me onto the hormonal rollercoaster from hell and told me I couldn’t get off. The thoughts entering my mind out of nowhere were almost frightening. I hated myself as a wife/mom/sister/friend. I felt as if I was failing everyone in my life. Sometimes I worried I ruined my middle child by having another baby. Other times I feared the baby would be lonely with two older siblings not close to her in age. My mind was racing with irrational perceptions about myself and my family.
In addition to feeling sad, I also physically felt awful. Postpartum recovery is tough enough, but I had back to back UTIs and four rounds of mastitis. Nursing a newborn around the clock, lack of sleep, caring for three children, and variety of antibiotics took a toll on my body and gut. Everything ached and I felt run down.
Little hiccups in my day felt like earthquakes. The world around me looked to be thriving while I felt like I was drowning in darkness. It was hard *almost* every single day to put one foot in front of the other. But I did it. I moved forward not just for myself, but for my daughters.
Moments of Light During the Darkness of Postpartum Depression
I would be lying if I said every day of the first few months of life as a Mom of three was horrible. Not every minute was awful. There were moments of light during the darkness of my postpartum depression. I’m thankful for all of the photos on my phone (and my friend Kelly) because I fear some special moments we had would have otherwise been lost in time.
The best advice I received during my difficult postpartum period was, “Keep moving because it WILL get better.” Having experienced depression/anxiety before and coming out unscathed, I knew in my heart the only way out of the mess was through it. I practiced a lot of self talk – “You got this” “You’re a strong Mama.” And I talked about my feelings. Being open about my unexplained sadness worked in my favor as many Moms could actually relate. I felt less alone just knowing there were other Moms walking around in a similar fog. Who knew you could feel safe and scared at the same time?
If you are a new Mom experiencing anything like I described above, I encourage you to reach out to a medical professional. Talk to someone – a friend, your spouse, a parent or even me (I’ll always answer!). Don’t be afraid of how you feel; but take action against it.
Leave a Reply