My husband and I have been fighting for 17 years. I’m not a relationship expert, but I have been around the block enough times to suggest Healthy Ways to Argue with Your Spouse.
Brandon and I had our first argument when we met on a cruise during senior year spring break in 2004. I don’t remember what our fight was about, but there was definitely bickering, apologizing, and finally: making up. All couples fight – it’s completely natural to disagree with someone you love. Fighting daily is unhealthy, though – and worse is fighting dirty.
My relationship with my husband is not perfect, but we are happy and our love is strong. Our communication skills get better with age, as does the way we fight. Long gone are the college days of misunderstood and misplaced anger, ignored phone calls and one sided arguments. After 17 years together we try very hard to practice healthy arguing techniques (with a few hiccups here and there).
5 Healthy Ways to Argue with Your Spouse
If you’re looking for the secret to not fighting in your marriage, I can’t help you. But if you’re interested in ways to fight fair with your spouse, I can share what I’ve learned works for my marriage.
Avoid blame.
Nothing good ever comes from an accusatory finger blaming your partner during an argument. Who doesn’t become defensive when blamed for something you may or may not have done?
Replace “YOU…” with “I FEEL…”
One way to avoid blame in an argument is to replace “You” statements with “I feel” statements. Here is an example:
Don’t say: “YOU never listen when I tell you about my day. YOU are always on your phone and never care about my life.”
Say this instead: “I feel sad and unimportant when I am talking and you look at your phone. It makes me feel like you’re not interested in what I have to say.”
Steer clear from using the words NEVER and ALWAYS.
I am notorious for exaggerating the reality of what I’m feeling in my relationships. When I fight with others there is usually an underlying issue I don’t want to address, so I use never and always as blanket statements because they imply permanence in what may just be a situational occurrence. The worst part about using never and always is these statements are rarely true.
Here is an example of a real statement fired at my husband after a particularly stressful day: “You never clean the house. I always do everything around here!”
Not only are the two accusations untrue, but my statement is also fueled by an underlying issue. I was overwhelmed with work, motherhood, and life. Instead of asking my husband for help, I accused him of never doing anything.
More Tips for Healthy Fighting with Your Spouse
Take a moment to read: “Four Ways to Reconnect With Your Spouse”
Call a timeout.
Sometimes marital arguments escalate quickly when emotions are running high. The best thing you can do during a heated fight is to call a timeout. We all need time to process our feelings and reflect on emotion, but if we don’t take a moment to do just that – things can get ugly. Avoid the dirty fight and take a timeout.
Be honest and stay on topic.
Honesty is scary, especially when you’re afraid of how your partner may react to your truths. However, if you have a solid foundation of trust in your relationship, honesty (to a certain extent) shouldn’t be an issue. I used to withhold a lot from my husband for fear he wouldn’t react Once you reveal your feelings, stay on topic and try not to bring up more than one matter.
My Final Thoughts on Healthy Arguing
There are plenty more tips for healthy fighting in a marriage, but these are my favorites. Truth be told – my husband and I still have random terrible fights when we are overwhelmed in other areas of our life. It’s somewhat easier to lash out on the ones we love most instead of taking a moment to breathe.
My therapist always reminds me to be true to myself and to my husband. If I need to have an uncomfortable conversation because I am mad or sad, it’s important to address those feelings instead of squashing them down. Nothing good comes from unresolved emotions.
Healthy arguing is possible in any marriage. Sometimes it is good to get things off your chest and often times arguments can bring you closer together.
great tips! the “i feel” approach can be hard to remember in the moment but is so helpful when talking things out.
i also love these photos of you and brandon!
I love this. We also try to never use never or always. It can be hard but so much better to not use them.
I remember when my husband and I started dating, my sister told me something I will never forget. She said, “fight with a purpose.” If you’re fighting just because you’re angry, you’re never going to solve anything, but if you’re fighting because you want to make a difference in your marriage and ultimately, work towards a healthier relationship, then it’ll be worth it. I’m thankful to say that’s something my husband and I thoroughly agree on, so fights are very different for us than they might be for others. It sounds like you and your husband do things similarly, which I love!
These are such great tips! Especially the “I feel” one. And yes, don’t play the blame game. Setting your disagreements up for success is a fab idea!
These are such great tips! When my husband and I got in our first fight after getting married, we definitely didn’t avoid blaming each other for things. We’ve definitely changed that now, and have learned the best ways to work through things for the two of us!