A few summers ago while expecting my third, I sought feedback from parents of three with similar age gaps. I was not contemplating our decision to have a third, but rather trying to imagine what it would be like navigating motherhood with three children at three different stages of life. What is the hardest part about having children so far apart in age? What are the best aspects of an 8 and 5 year gap between three siblings? Is it difficult to raise a newborn with elementary age children? Their answers were all very similar: it can be difficult at times, but the positives outweigh the negatives.
After two and a half years navigating motherhood with three girls eight and five years apart, I am learning there was a lot left unsaid. Perhaps I did not ask the right questions. Or maybe my experience differs from other families of three children far apart in age. Whatever the reason, I want to share my thoughts and feelings about motherhood with 3 kids and big age gaps.
The Reality of Navigating Motherhood with 3 Kids and Big Age Gaps
Navigating motherhood with big age gaps is challenging.
There. I said it.
Many days I feel like Stretch Armstrong – except one child hangs on my leg because the others have my two arms. It’s really hard to stand on one wobbly leg when your being pulled in different directions. I did not imagine feeling the way I do, but how can a Mom predict what motherhood will be like when it’s different for everyone?
Motherhood in itself is frustrating, overwhelming, overstimulating, and scary. Sometimes I feel very lost on this journey regardless of how many children I have. There is no map or rule book to consult for guidance or advice because motherhood is meant to be done however YOU see fit.
What are the challenges of navigating motherhood with big age gaps?
Each one of my daughters has varying needs at her current developmental stage in life and there is only one of ME to go around. My husband is a very involved parent – however, not only does he work full time, but also they seemingly request my attention most on a daily basis. Some days I feel like my love and attentiveness is spread equally, but other days it is impossible.
Take a moment to read the birth stories of my youngest, middle, and oldest daughters.
The Middle Child
When Arbor was born, she did not just become my and my husband’s new baby. She became everyone’s baby. The world came running with open arms to hold, squeeze, smell and love on Arbor. Her big sisters fought over her attention and opportunities to help take care of her. We celebrated the unanimous joy over the addition to the family – until one day it became apparent someone wasn’t as thrilled as the others Arbor was here to stay.
I fought the masses who said my youngest, Ailey, would quickly assume the role of ‘middle child’ after the birth of her sister. She was so easy going and loving, caring and empathetic. It felt like Ailey grew up overnight after Arbor was born as she took on responsibilities around the house we never asked her to do. She wanted to help take care of Arbor and also help take care of me. It was wonderful … until it was not.
Ailey’s known to be the Houston girl who came out of the womb marching to the beat of her own drum. She has a unique soul, natural sense of style, incredible spirit and a huge heart. But within a few months of Arbor’s birth, Ailey’s inner light that always shone brightly on the outside began to dim. It happened so fast that Ailey didn’t even realize she was uncomfortable, she just started acting out to cope with the changes.
In the last year we started therapy to help her with her emotions. We learned she is an empath with many gifts we want to cultivate and develop – but it’s difficult to give her the full focus she needs when there are two other children requiring our attention.
The Oldest Child of 3
My oldest, Annabelle, has changed as drastically as Ailey since the birth of Arbor. I find her transformation very interesting since the first time she became a big sister 8 years ago she couldn’t care less about the new role. I’ll never forget when we brought Ailey home from the hospital and Annabelle, just 2 1/2 years old, asked where the baby was going to live.
While some big siblings instantly become a little parent to the new baby, Annabelle casually walked away. She did not fall all over Ailey with pride and joy for many months, especially since her baby sister seemed to do nothing but sleep and eat. But once Ailey became mobile and aware of her surroundings, Annabelle and she began developing a playful and loving sister relationship.
The first day we brought Arbor home from the hospital was very different. It may be the first time I ever witnessed Annabelle cry actual tears of joy. She is my least transparent child, often bottling up certain emotions and reserving tears for true moments of pain. It is RARE to witness Annabelle crying, but Arbor has brought on many tears. The third child opened a door for empathy to live in my oldest’s heart. Annabelle cries when either one of her sisters are hurt or in pain. She’s sensitive to their feelings and to those of others around her. I know emotional maturity develops as children get older, but I also know that our third child had a huge impact on how quickly Annabelle evolved.
For all the positive changes in our oldest, there have been negative as well. Annabelle has felt ignored and less important during the moments her younger sisters take priority. The imbalance of attention is inevitable when there are only two parents to give and three children to receive.
The Baby
Studies show a third child can change the family dynamic quickly. I have personally witnessed these transformations over the last two and a half years. A middle child will find purpose to stay noticed while the oldest often begins to mature rapidly. The third child flourishes in development – walking and talking earlier to keep up with older siblings. Anyone who encounters Arbor will agree she is wise beyond her years. She’s a tiny genius trapped in a two year old’s body, never walking, but always running from one moment to the next.
Did you see this post? Things No One Tells You About Having a Third Baby
Our third child lives happily at the center of the world, often receiving so much attention she has learned how to manipulate it for her own benefit. Arbor is a charming little human with a memory we all wish we could have. She asks countless questions daily, curious to understand who else lives on this planet and how everything works. Bossy, energetic, crafty, and persistent – the baby of our family exudes so much power I have a hard time believing she won’t be anything but at the top of a big company some day.
Looking forward at life with 3 kids with big age gaps
I have reached a point in motherhood where I know things have to change. There are moments in which while my youngest is having a difficult emotional time, I need to let her learn to self soothe while I help her big sisters. I don’t want any of my daughters to feel neglected when they’re in desperate times. A piece of me hopes and prays my three girls grow to understand I am always trying my best to spread my love around evenly. There are no favorites even if it feels like it!
I wouldn’t change anything about our family. The dynamic is incredible, exciting, and I know exactly what it was always meant to be. I love our family of five.
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