Coping with postpartum depression after weaning your child from breastfeeding is a topic that is not discussed enough. I wrote this post in the middle of a very difficult time in my life as a mother in 2015. If you are reading this and feeling the same way I did, please reach out to someone – to me, to your OB, to a friend. Postpartum depression should never be experienced alone.
A few weeks ago something big happened when I said goodbye to my breast pump.
After 16 months of pumping, eight of those months spent pumping three times a day, I decided that it was time to quit breastfeeding. Annabelle no longer drinks a bottle and baby school only gives her an ounce or two of milk with her lunch a day. To be honest, I was also tired of spending every free second I had at school connected to my pump. I would arrive an hour early, just to sit at my desk and pump for 20 minutes. Then during my first 30 minute break, I spent 20 at the pump. And finally, 20 minutes of my planning period I would hide in my classroom, pumping away.
I noticed after Christmas break that my supply started to drop. I went from pumping 3 times a day to taking a two and a half week break of not pumping at all. When I returned to work, I pumped 4 oz total – 8 ounces less than what I’d been pumping on average before my vacation. After a few days my supply increased and I could pump 6-8 ounces in a day. But around February, my supply dropped again and I could only pump out a max of 6 ounces.
Baby school said Annabelle wasn’t finishing the 6-8 ounces of milk I sent each day, so I dropped my morning pumping session. Believe it or not, it was hard at first to get used to the extra time in the morning. I felt both liberated and lost. What does one do with twenty EXTRA minutes a day?! Sadly, my supply dropped even more, and after pumping twice a day at work, I could only total 2-3 ounces.
In March, I felt myself changing.
Physically: my clothes became a little tighter as I was burning less calories a day not pumping and my breasts definitely shrunk a cup size. A few pounds and smaller breasts were the least of my worries since mentally: I felt like I had been shoved on the worst emotional roller coaster fathomable.
Did you know that weaning causes a drop in prolactin and oxytocin levels in a woman’s body, which in turn can cause sadness and depression?
I did not know this for at least a month, so for thirty days I was almost convinced I was going insane. KellyMom says that even though there is very little research, it is hypothesized that hormonal changes are a primary cause of mood changes during weaning. And the faster the weaning, the more abrupt shift in hormones, and the more likely you are to experience a feeling of insanity.
Prolactin, a hormone that is required for milk production, also brings with it a feeling of well-being, calmness and relaxation. Oxytocin, the hormone that is required for milk ejection (let-down), is sometimes referred to as the “love hormone.” So, it makes sense that a sudden decrease in these hormones could have an effect on a weaning mother’s emotions. (source)
Once I realized my unexplained feelings of anger, anxiety, moodiness, and sadness stemmed from weaning Annabelle, I’ve been able to try to cope with the surge of emotions. It isn’t easy though – some days are worse than others. Last night I was in a particularly bad mood for no apparent reason. Annabelle spent an hour screaming (thank you Wonder Week 10), but her tantrum wasn’t the reason for my moodiness. It was everything else around me, making me feel like my blood was boiling, or I could cry on cue.
I imagine this is what postpartum depression feels like…
So where do I go from here? I still nurse Annabelle two times a day, which means I am going to have another surge of hormones when I wean her completely. On one hand, I want to drop these feedings so I can get off the emotional roller coaster from hell. On the other hand, I enjoy our close bond from these nursing sessions. I don’t want to say goodbye to our physical oneness or end this chapter of our lives together. But I am crying as I type this for what feels like no reason. What to do… what to do…
I went through a very similar situation with my daughter. I exclusively breast fed her for 13 months, no bottles, so when she weaned completely, along with the bit of mild mastitis I started breaking out with acne. Something I’ve dealt with my whole life. The sadness and mood swings were hard to handle and I cried a lot but taking to my husband and finding other ways to bond with my non cuddler child helped, in time the sadness goes away and you enjoy the spirited toddler that your baby has turned in to! Hang in there and you are awesome for breast feeding for a year and a half!
Why does the school only give her 1 or 2 oz of milk with her lunch a day? Is that the only milk she gets at school?
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Hopefully everything will be back to normal for you soon. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I am about to start weaning my son; and I didn’t know this could happen, but it definitely makes sense.
I’m so sorry, friend! I’ve learned so much from your journey into motherhood, so thank you for sharing every little thing with us.
For what it’s worth, I love you 🙂
Hang in there. It’s crazy how your body adjusts – really amazing on one hand but really confusing (emotionally) on the other. Please be sure to take care of yourself. A will be fine no matter when/how you decide you are done, remember that!
I’m glad you are sharing your story. I feel like there are so many experiences in which new(ish) moms feel alone. I just weaned off the pump and am still nursing 2-3x a day, but my period can back and I was irrationally angry about that. I am definitely worried about weaning blues for myself too.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a hard go at it right now. Although I have no advice to give (I’m currently pregnant with my first) I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your openness and honesty. Reading about experiences like yours and the possibility that it can happen allows others to be aware when they might start feeling the same way and that it such a gift, to know we’re not alone. You are strong and wonderful and I’ll be sending warm thoughts your way 🙂
I actually had the opposite reaction when I quit breastfeeding. For me it was a “Hallelujah, I am finally free” moment, lol. But that being said, I had terrible postpartum anxiety with a touch of PPD. And I don’t wish those feelings on anyone. Just remember that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel as soon as your hormones stabilize. Focus on the things that make you happy. Get outside as much as possible because the sunshine definitely helps with those oxytocin levels. Remember that Annabelle is happy and healthy and that this weaning process will be over soon and you’ll be able to look back on it and think “whew – I did it!” & hey – congrats on BF so long!!
I had to give up nursing at 4 months because even with pumping after each feeding, plus pumping an hour AFTER each feeding (and right before bed), I could only pump a max of 4 oz. My son wasn’t gaining weight, his fontanel wasn’t firm. I was even eating correctly and taking fenugreek pills often. So, although I had a week of depression feeling like I wasn’t worthy or capable of doing what a mother should be able to do to provide for her baby, I felt much better about myself and caring for my son while he was on formula than I did while he was nursing, and that is because he became happier and immediately began gaining weight.
How interesting!! I had never heard this before, thank you for being open about it!! I have only been nursing for 4 months so far, but I’m already worried that my supply is dropping and I will have to stop soon. 🙁
Aww. Just know that whatever you decide, if it’s bad, it will eventually pass. Good luck with everything.
I can completely relate with you! With my last child, after my supply dropped significantly and I had to stop breastfeeding, I feel into severe depression and anxiety. Like you said, I felt like I was going insane! Finally, after about a year, things are looking up again. During that time, my faith in God was greatly under attack. I felt like I was drowning. I actually wrote about that on my blog. It was a very very difficult time! I feel your pain! It does get better though. I promise! Even though it seems like it will never end, there really is light at the end of the tunnel!
I actually had no idea that weaning causes mood changes, but it makes so much sense! It’s definitely not something I’m looking forward to… Awesome job continuing to breastfeed – it’s definitely not easy!
Thank you so much for writing about this. I went through the same thing and I didn’t feel like my OBGYN really understood what post-breastfeeding depression/moodiness was all about. I definitely went through a difficult time when it stopped for us and I wish more people knew about this.