Motherhood is a complicated rollercoaster of emotion. It’s difficult to find the right words to describe your thoughts on motherhood.
At 5:30 this morning, my oldest frantically and suddenly yelled out she was going to throw up. There is nothing more alarming than when your child yells out she is going to be sick. At some point in the night, Annabelle had climbed into my Mom’s king sized bed and snuggled up between us. Since I was nursing Ailey, my Mom quickly carried Annabelle to the bathroom.
As I listened to Annabelle cry and my Mom try to soothe her, I realized I needed to be with her. She needed her Mommy. I burped Ailey and put her down to rush to Annabelle, who was laying on the bathroom floor refusing to move. She hadn’t thrown up but was saying her belly hurt.
When I scooped her off the floor, she begged me to carry her around the room like I did when she was a baby. Do you know how hard it is to carry a 27 pound child around like a baby? It’s hard. But I did it. Anything to make her feel better.
In bed, I held Annabelle in my arms, rubbing her back and stroking her hair until her whimpering faded and she fell asleep. While I was calming Annabelle, Ailey began fussing, so my Mom took her out of the bedroom. At this point, for the first time in what seems like forever, Annabelle and I laid together… in silence… and I found myself wiping away tears.
Where did the time go?
Her face looked different… older of course, but different. I thought I had memorized every aspect of her little face but suddenly her eyelashes seem thicker, her nose seems to be rounder, and her bottom lip puckers out. I held her small hand in mind and studied how long her fingers have grown, how it looks less like a toddler’s hand and more like a child’s. How is she going to be three in two months? Can I make her stop growing? Can I freeze time?
Honest Thoughts on Motherhood with Two Children
I realize that I have been spending so much of my time trying to soak in every little bit of her sister that I’ve been neglecting my first born. The only instance Annabelle gets my attention is when I’m correcting her behavior – stop doing this or don’t do that. Every time I speak to her, am I threatening a time out? Is every word out of my mouth negative? It sure seems like it.
What happened to the days when I showered her with compliments?
I used to treat Annabelle like she hung the moon. She could do no wrong. But now, I feel like I’m constantly pointing out everything she does that isn’t right.
Where did happy Mommy go? How did I become that grouchy Mother I never wanted to be?
I want to change – I don’t want my daughter to think of me solely as her disciplinary. I don’t want to be a negative presence in her life, only criticizing and correcting. How does one balance discipline and encouragement? How does a parent keep her child from thinking they’re a miserable person? I want my daughter to understand anytime I am mean it is with purpose and not just because I am busy with her little sister and can’t be bothered.
Perhaps this morning’s epiphany will be the kickstart I need …to treat my daughter less like a student in a classroom and more like my heart and soul. She deserves a break – my almost 3-year-old has had quite the life change with the addition of her little sister. I know her behavior is a direct result of feelings of jealousy and inferiority towards Ailey.
Does she need more one on one time with me? Do I need to spend more waking minutes studying the shape of her face and the color of her hair? I think I do… I think I really must cherish every second I can with Annabelle because life just passes us by too fast.