How can there be loneliness in Motherhood? It’s a crazy sensation – feeling lonely when you are not actually alone. As a Mom of three, I am rarely by myself (even during private moments, like going to the bathroom). So if most days I am surrounded by children, a husband, and a clingy cat who thinks I’m his Mom – why do I still feel lonely?
The 2024 Healthy Minds Monthly Poll from the American Psychiatric Association (APA) finds that 1 in 3 Americans feel lonely every week. Younger people were more likely to experience these feelings, with 30% of Americans aged 18-34 saying they were lonely every day or several times a week. We have to wonder: how many of the Americans polled are Mothers?
Feelings of loneliness are very common in motherhood – whether you are a first time mom or on your fifth child. I don’t recall the exact time I started feeling lonely after having Annabelle, but the isolation and disconnectedness is still fresh in my mind ten years later.
My Loneliness in Motherhood
One must note, there is a distinct difference between loneliness and actually being alone. Loneliness is a state of mind causing people to feel empty, alone, and unwanted. The psychological definition of loneliness is more more deep: a distressing feeling that accompanies the perception that one’s social needs are not being met by the quantity or especially the quality of one’s social relationships (source).
I became a Mom in December of 2013 during the most magical holiday season of my life thus far. For the first three weeks, we were surrounded by family who traveled from both near and far. Worries of bringing a newborn out into the world by myself had me trapped in my home. I could not fathom going to the grocery store solo with a three week old in tow. Where do you put the car seat? What if the baby has a blowout? Therefore, my connection to the outside world was limited to the moments in which my husband were home long enough to accompany me anywhere.
As a new resident of Georgia, I knew very few people I could interact with in person if I wanted to. I relied on my long distance family and friend relationships over the phone. But as the first to have a baby in our circle, it was not long before I started feeling disconnected from the ones I loved most. I felt like I was standing apart from my family, from my friends, and from my old pre-baby self.
Having a baby represents both a ‘gain’ and also a complex sense of ‘loss’ of one’s former life.
Source
Statistics about Motherhood Loneliness
A 2021 study in England revealed women often connected feelings of depression during and after pregnancy to feeling dislocated from their previous identities and relationships. Women felt lost, confined to their homes, and often unsupported by their partners and families. Fears of being judged to be inadequate mothers made it difficult for women to make authentic connections with others or to express negative feelings, increasing isolation and depression.
Why does Motherhood feel lonely?
I am in a new chapter of life with three children ages 10, 7, and 2. They are all dependent on me for a variety of reasons. My youngest is understandably the most needy, but sometimes my middle child NEEDS me the most. I’m not solo-parenting – my husband (their Dad) is here too. He is a great partner, extremely active in their lives, and steps when I need to step out to recharge. If I’m not physically alone on my parenting journey – how is it possible I still feel lonely in motherhood?
Loneliness can appear any time in motherhood, especially when considering the ongoing responsibilities that come with being a Mom. The emotional and physical demands are intense. Even more so when you have three children asking for your attention at the same time. There are nights when I fall into bed overstimulated, depleted, and feeling like I’m the only one who ran the motherhood marathon that day.
There are countless surveys reporting how Moms feel more than Dads. Many mothers tend to worry more, stress the most, and assume more responsibility when managing the children’s schedules. As a result, a mother’s mental load may weigh heavier than the father’s and can result in Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS). “In a nutshell, Depleted Mother Syndrome occurs when demands on the mother increase and her resources decrease. As a result the mother’s sensitivity to both internal and external triggers gets heightened.” Imagine this new feeling – this overwhelming but empty feeling – is a place a Mom lives in her mind alone. That is where loneliness can grow.
Why is there shame in admitting to loneliness as a mother?
Ten years ago, I did not have any concept of maternal mental health let alone know loneliness in motherhood is a real thing. When questioned, “How is motherhood?” I’d reply with enthusiasm: “I’m lucky, joyful, and just a little tired. Motherhood is a gift after all!” If I were to admit to feeling lonely, or bored, or even – gasp – say I miss my old life; what does that say about me? What will people think? What kind of a mother would that make me?!
Why is there shame in admitting to loneliness as a mother? One reason may be new Moms feel an undeniable pressure to be perfect and do things “right” to impress family, friends, and other moms in society. If that means denying our true feelings, then so be it. Mom shaming is a scary reality we all would like to avoid.
Another reason a Mom may be afraid to admit she is lonely is more obvious: it’s scary. It takes a lot of courage to say certain things out loud – whether we fear how the person on the other end will receive it or its the admitting that we thought it in the first place. I recall the first time I shared my feelings of loneliness with my husband – he just stared at me. He didn’t understand how I could feel lonely when I was surrounded by our family.
I don’t have all the answers in regards to coping with loneliness as a mother. I’m still trying to figure all of that out – but one thing I do know is that I’m not the only Mom who feels this way. And that in itself is comforting.
Leave a Reply