Learning to Let Go of Painful Feelings

Do you hold on to painful feelings? Learning to let go of painful feelings is one of the most difficult human tasks – but it is necessary to let go if you want to move on.

Learning to Let Go of Painful Feelings

Agony, bitterness, despair, resentment, grief, heartbreak … are you even human if you have not felt at least one negative emotion? If it seems impossible to escape painful feelings – it is – there are just too many unpredictable situations in life. While painful emotions cannot be avoided no matter how hard we try, it is crucial to remember we don’t have to feel them forever. I feel like I been trying to learn how to let go of painful feelings since I started therapy in 2020.

Accepting Unpredictability in Life

We all know the old saying, “Everything happens for a reason” – but do you know where it comes from? Greek philosopher Aristotle theorized there is purpose, meaning and growth to be gained from whatever tough times you face. On one hand, I have a hard time believing the veracity in Aristotle’s philosophies when I have experienced unexplainable tragic loss. But on the other hand, the not-so-devastating life events causing painful feelings eventually lead to an “Ah ha!” moment.

It’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of “Why did this happen?” – even if the why is inconsequential. When I put my two hands together I accept there are, and will be, countless inexplicable crappy experiences. What’s most significant is HOW I react and respond to each moment. Remember a reaction is instinctive, while a response is intentional. We always have a choice. We can choose to lean into faith or fear: faith will move you forwards, while fear will hold you back.

Have Faith the Painful Feelings Will Fade

Faith is a frightening concept on its own. How can we have confidence in someone or something we cannot see or touch? But if faith means moving forward – which is the goal – then it is worth trying. A few years ago I adopted a personal quote to live by: “The only way out is through.” It is, after all, how to navigate life by putting one foot in front of the other.

It can be infuriating to think there is an actual purpose for any difficult experience, but life isn’t supposed to be easy. Note: I don’t mean death – I’ll never be able believe certain deaths happen for a reason. In my adulthood I have found myself staring face to face with big changes related to relationships, work, or motherhood. In some instances I’m allowed to choose which path to take, but in others the outcome is out of my control. What’s left of my emotional wellbeing is often painful and messy.

How I Am Trying to Learn to Let Go

Last year was a tough year for a variety of unspoken reasons. I weathered a few violent storms I initially thought would destroy me. In the midst of the chaos, my therapist reminded me to feel all of the feelings. There is always going to be that moment when the skies clear and the sun shines again – and that is when you will say goodbye to the painful feelings.

Sometimes we have to make difficult choices that leave a dark spot on our heart. I’ve been there – and it felt like I had to keep the darkness there as a reminder of what happened. If I let go of the pain, it means I never cared. My therapist told me otherwise. Letting go of painful feelings does not mean you stop caring about the things or people that caused you such agony. “The whole reason we hold on to some pain is because we become attached to what we truly care about. We care about our deeper values and anything that is related to these values” (source).

Letting go of painful feelings allows room for us to feel, and hold on to, the good stuff. At the end of my life, if I have the opportunity, I would like to look back on my emotional decisions without regret.