Finding Gratitude in 2020

As you pause to reflect on a year like no other, consider this… Finding gratitude in 2020 may seem impossible – but hidden in the darkness, there is always something to be thankful for.

For many people, 2020 will be the year stored at the back of our memory closet. There’s so much pain, anxiety, and an overwhelming amount of uncertainty, associated with the last nine months. On the surface it’s hard to believe this year could be anything but a waste of time – but I’m trying, very hard, to find gratitude in 2020.

Losing a Sense of Gratitude

I’ve always been a pretty optimistic person – able to find the positive in any negative situation. But this year I was challenged. This year I battled Covid-19, dealt with PTDS after the virus, was diagnosed with skin cancer, and suffered the loss of two of my family members. This year has been a mess.

I will never forget what it felt like drowning in my own dark emotional abyss. After a week of uncontrollable crying, I began therapy following my Covid-19 diagnosis. In the beginning of treatment, I told my therapist I was scared the virus was changing me forever. My heart felt dark and heavy, optimism an impossible task with the current state of our world. I lived in fear of becoming sick again, afraid to fall asleep at night because I worried I would never wake again. Nausea would sweep over me as I considered the outcome were a family member to become sick too. I spiraled quickly, especially after my Grandpa passed away from Covid-19 and I was unable to attend his funeral. Life was scary and unpredictable.

I asked my therapist if I would ever feel the same again. Her reply rendered me speechless: “Well, what if you don’t ever go back to the old Caitlin? What’s the worst that could happen?”

Truth be told, I was not in love with my old self. There were a lot of things I always wanted to work on – being a better Mom, wife, friend, and sister – but didn’t know where to start. If I really think about it, I often felt angry, anxious, unhappy, or lost for no apparent reason. I started to consider the upside of the situation – maybe there was something better on the other side of this darkness?

Guess what?

There is.

On the other side of the darkness is light.

Finding Gratitude in 2020

Seven months later I see things a lot more clearly. My life is not perfect and I’m okay with that. There is still sadness and anxiety in my heart, but I am a happier person. I am now able to focus on a good moment whilst not allowing a bad period of life consume me. Gratitude is possible if you learn to appreciate the seconds and minutes over days and weeks.

I’m grateful for what I’ve learned during this difficult year. After spending 55 days thinking I would never be healthy again, I now take a moment to thank my body for all it does at the end of every day. Being isolated from my family was extremely difficult, so I cherish our moments together more than ever. I am a completely different person than I was one year ago today. I’m stronger, more thoughtful, and learning how to cope with strong emotions.

I’m grateful for so many – family, friends, complete strangers on the internet, who made me feel less alone and always loved. You really learn a lot about relationships when you go through something life changing. The people you thought cared so much about you actually never cared at all – and that’s okay. I’m grateful for learning how to make peace with the things I cannot change.

I’m grateful for therapy. My weekly sessions not only challenge me to face my inner demons, but also shed light on all the joy that’s around me. In the past I spent so much time looking for the next big thing that I often missed out on small successes.

On this Thanksgiving I will give {a small} thanks to this dumpster fire of a year – for being so terrible that I was forced to change, to look at life differently, and to truly appreciate every breath I take on this Earth.