Ever since high school I’ve had a distorted body image. It stems from an innocent incident which ultimately shaped my negative body image for years.
While stretching during Field Hockey practice, one of my “best friends” told me I had cellulite on my thighs. I had no idea what cellulite was… and she showed me how her thighs, when she sat cross legged, were smooth. She told me to sit cross legged, and then pointed out the bumps and dimples all over mine. She said this was cellulite, it was fat on my thighs, and the only way it would go away was exercise and diet.
I was so confused – I played field hockey 5 days a week and danced 6 days a week. I went to the gym during off season for Field Hockey. How could I exercise any more than I already was? And I didn’t eat “bad,” so how could I be fat? From that moment on, I would never think about my body in the same way again.
I hunted my body for cellulite.
I remember studying my legs in the full length mirror in my bedroom. I studied my butt. I then started looking at my stomach and my arms and my hips. I hunted my body for cellulite. I grabbed my inner thighs where they would touch and would pinch them so hard, hoping it would somehow make them smaller, that I would end up with tiny fingerprint bruises. Sure there was some cellulite – and even a few stretch marks – but nothing abnormal on a 14 year old girl. I wasn’t overweight and I wore a size 4-6 in jeans, but I felt fat. I felt disgusting. And when I looked at my body in the mirror, I didn’t see myself. I saw someone else.
I compared myself to everyone I knew. I stared at other girl’s legs every time they sat Indian style and looked for signs of cellulite. I wanted other girls to have it too because if they did, then maybe I was normal. But of course when I would see a girl with it, a girl who didn’t care what her thighs looked like, a girl who wore short shorts and bikini cut bathing suits without any sign of self consciousness, that didn’t change my opinion of myself. I still had fat tree trunk thighs that dimpled and puckered whenever I sat down.
What probably made my distorted body image worse was that my friends suffered just the same.
Misery loves company right? I remember sitting around the lunch table with my best girlfriends discussing how fat we were. We talked about diet pills. We talked about laxatives. We talked about ways to not eat. Some even talked about ways to get rid of what we already ate.
Things worsened in college. I actually developed what was most likely an eating disorder, but I was never diagnosed by a professional. I would count calories, exercise obsessively, and weigh myself multiple times a day. I never got as skinny as I wanted – my clothes didn’t become bigger like I hoped – but the numbers on the scale went down. So I was pleased with myself and with what I was doing. In college, I discovered the obsession with a “thigh gap” and boy did that drive me crazy.
My distorted body image issues continued for years… until I gained 27lbs during pregnancy.
In the beginning of my pregnancy, I felt fat all the time. My clothes felt tight and as the numbers on the scale went up too quickly in the beginning. I became worried that I was going to be miserable my entire pregnancy. Then one day I looked down and saw my belly move. I saw that there was actually someone inside me – someone who needed me to be healthy – and I stopped caring about the numbers on the scale. I embraced the weight gain and the changes that happened to my body. Granted my knees hurt, and it was hard to breathe, and my boobs were ginormous and swollen, I LOVED how my body looked.
After I delivered Annabelle, my baby weight came off quickly. Between breastfeeding and eating dairy free, I was below my pre-pregnancy weight in less than six months. For the first time in my life, I thought I looked too skinny. I still think I look too skinny, but the doctor says I am healthy. I still have cellulite on my thighs, but it doesn’t bother me anymore.
For me, cellulite is just a symbol of my womanhood. It’s a sign that I am a normal woman. The stretch marks on my thighs that I used to wish away? They are no longer my obsession. I’ve been blessed with an amazing daughter and someday I will tell her my story. I don’t want her to spend the many years I did looking in a mirror only to see someone else looking back.
Very, very well said, Caitlyn.
Thank you Linda!
I feel the EXACT same way. I’ve been in your shoes and girl, it’s a terrible road. I love hearing your story, although I know the pain you went through, but I know that you will teach Annabelle the true meaning of beauty and self worth! I, too, hope to do the same with Kinsley!
I love seeing YOUR journey on Facebook! You are so inspirational with your healthy eating, workouts, and posts. =0) Kinsley is lucky to have you as a Momma!
Amen to this, girl! I’ve been there too
& pregnany definitely made me love every
inch of my body now. I hope & pray that my little girl doesn’t go through any of it. I guess all we can do is be positive role models for them. You are so brave to be talking about it all!
I think all the time how I hope that Annabelle is not like me when she is growing up. I want her to love her body!
Love this and you. XOXO
Love you more sista sista.
I think we are twins. Although I never liked how my body looked while pregnant and was depressed about my weight the entire time. And now that I’m 50 pounds lighter, someone told me I was too skinny and I was offended. I still don’t feel 100% confident in my body and anytime I talk about it, I get yelled at. I just don’t know that I’ll ever be happy :/ and that’s sad.
I hope someday that you are happy with your body! It is a freeing feeling – to finally feel okay with myself. xoxo
You are such a courageous and beautiful woman for sharing your story! I know I can relate to it as well especially in high school! Motherhood changed my life for the better as well and I just want to tell you I’ve followed your blog since the beginning and you are such a sweet genuine real and gorgeous woman and it’s so refreshing to “meet” someone on a blog like that when there are so people in everyday life that aren’t! Thanks again for sharing!
Thank you so much for the comment Sara. I love that you’ve been reading my blog since I started! It means so much that you’ve stuck around this long =0) Thanks for saying hello!
The struggle is real. I fight this every day and have for 15 years…..it’s so consumable
So proud of you for this post. I think we have all gone through this and struggle with self image .
Its amazing how it seems like EVERYONE went through something …. xoxo
Beautiful post! It’s so hard to think of our daughters looking in the mirror and seeing anything BUT the perfect, beautiful girls that they are, isn’t it? But I think having an open conversation about body image can go a long way.
🙂 I totally get how you felt as a girl, I was the same way! I was a string bean, and grew to be 5’6″ by the time I was 16. By the time I was 18 I was 5’8″ but that didn’t stop me from having cellulite on my legs! I remember the older women in my church and my friends moms always complaining about it, but there I was, I had it too!! I always felt self conscious about wearing short shorts and bathing suits because of it. I worked out (and still do) at least 3-5 times a week and did everything I could to make my legs ‘skinny.’ After over 10 years I’m still not there. It’s hard learning to embrace your body, especially when the world is telling you it’s flawed. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who loves me just the way I am, cellulite and all!!
Oh my gosh… you are beautiful. I would have never thought this but everyone has their own problems. No one is perfect. I’m so glad that your weight doesn’t bother you like it used to. It is a little normal though…we’re women. :)’ You look great. Thanks for sharing.