Three times I have become a mother and each time I thought I knew what to expect. Postpartum depression has a way of showing up in unexpected ways, making every experience feel unique—even if the symptoms are hauntingly familiar. In this post, I’ll share my three separate experiences with postpartum depression after birth and weaning, as well as the lessons I learned each time. If you’re struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, know that you’re not alone, and your experience—while unique—is valid.
What is Maternal Mental Health?
What is maternal mental health? What are perinatal mental health disorders? Before I begin my story, I think it is important to define maternal mental health and perinatal mental health disorders. Everyone – both man and woman – should be familiar with these terms as knowledge is power in preventing, diagnosing, and treating perinatal mental health disorders.
Understanding Perinatal Mental Health Disorders
Maternal mental health refers to the emotional and psychological well-being of women during pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period. It encompasses a wide range of mental health challenges, such as baby blues and postpartum depression, as well as general emotional challenges that mothers may face throughout motherhood, such as feeling overwhelmed, OCD, or struggles with changes in identity.
Perinatal Mental Health (PMH) disorders include a range of disorders and symptoms, including but not limited to depression, anxiety and psychosis. These disorders and symptoms can occur during pregnancy and/or the postpartum period (together often referred to as the perinatal period). Perinatal anxiety and depression are the most common complications of childbirth, impacting up to 1 in 5. , yet they are not universally screened for, nor treated. When left untreated these disorders can cause devastating consequences for the individual, the baby, their family and society.
Postpartum Depression After Weaning: My First Experience
Postpartum depression while weaning from breastfeeding is a challenge some new mothers may face, yet it’s often overlooked in conversations about maternal health. I did not experience any profound maternal mental health issues after giving birth to my first daughter in 2013. I’m sure I felt the baby blues, but there was no darkness, no unexplainable sadness, and zero feelings of anxiety. It was not until 15 months later the first symptoms of postpartum depression appeared.
From the outside, I looked fine. No one really knew what was going on inside except my husband and immediate family. I wasn’t exhibiting normal signs of depression on the outside. I hugged and loved on Annabelle as much as I could. And I cried. A lot. So many tears fell on my sweet girl and neither she, nor I, had no idea why Mommy was so sad.
Everything normal became a challenge. Waking up for the day, teaching my first grade class, making dinner for the family. I recall feeling like Eeyore, perpetually followed by a rain cloud without an umbrella. The people and things in my life that ordinarily brought me endless joy did not.
How I Coped (Or Didn’t)
The first time I experienced PPD, I didn’t have the language or tools to understand what was happening. It took me a long time to realize that asking for help was the first step toward healing. I asked my husband for advice, reached out to my Mom for answers, but no one could help me with what I was experiencing. Unbeknownst to me, the hormonal fluctuations that accompany weaning can exacerbate symptoms of postpartum depression, or trigger them if the mother has had a history of mental health challenges.
After a few weeks, I became consciously aware I had felt a similar way before. Was it a prolonged PMS trip? Or was I falling back into a past state of depression and anxiety? My Mom urged me to seek professional help. After a few days of fearing I would be told there was nothing wrong with me – I called my OB-GYN. She offered medication and advised the consultation of a mental health specialist. She also said I could give it two more weeks for my hormones to level out. While I know this is not the case for many women, I was fortunate to return to my normal self soon after.
Recognizing the Signs of PPD After Weaning My Second Child
The mood swings came on quickly when I started to wean my second daughter Ailey. She was one and a half years old and breastfeeding had become more of a luxury instead of a necessity. I wanted to wean her to be free of the sleepless nights we were having as she nursed for comfort. When I started to cut back on nursing, I instantly felt sad/mad/anxious all over again.
Breastfeeding triggers the release of hormones like oxytocin (the “love hormone”), which helps promote bonding between the mother and the baby. When you stop breastfeeding, there’s a shift in hormone levels, and the sudden drop in oxytocin and prolactin (the hormone responsible for milk production) can lead to feelings of sadness, emotional vulnerability, or even depression.
However this time would be different – I knew what to expect and that the feelings would fade. After a month of emotional chaos, I once again felt more normal almost overnight. Postpartum depression is different for everyone, but for me it comes out of nowhere. Strong, fierce and debilitating. Then one day it just disappears leaving nothing but confusion in its wake.
Surviving Postpartum Depression After My Third Baby
Truth be told – the only “mental health” fear on my radar after giving birth to my third child was the baby blues. I remember the brief moments of sadness during a letdown, wild mood swings, and crying over nothing when my first two daughters were born. It’s NORMAL – up to 85% of women will experience the “baby blues” after giving birth due to sudden shifts in hormones. Symptoms often fade and resolve within a few days, so the Baby Blues are not considered a disorder.
The very important thing no one tells you when they discharge a new Mom from the hospital is if baby blues symptoms persist beyond two weeks, it’s likely the mother is suffering from depression.
When Arbor was born on December 6th, I had a lot going on in addition to a new baby. Annabelle’s eighth birthday, Ailey’s Kindergarten celebrations and Christmas (!) took up a lot of space in my mind. I recall feeling every bit of the requisite postpartum hormonal crash, but don’t know if there was a point when the mood swings just stopped like they were supposed to. I was so distracted by life I didn’t realize how sad I still felt underneath it all.
Missing all the PPD Symptoms
January was difficult on me both physically and mentally – however it was only the physical that I acknowledged. The new year brought back to back cases of mastitis and UTIs, plus a bout of illness for the family that had Arbor and I quarantined in my bedroom. If I wasn’t bedridden and sick, then I was trying to figure out how to spread myself equally in three different directions. I felt detached from my oldest, who seemingly grew up overnight to assume the role of biggest sister and clung to her Dad. My middle child, my sidekick for five years, began to struggle with the new family dynamic (and let me know she was suffering). My husband did what he could, taking Arbor so I could spend time with the older girls or cleaning/cooking – but I felt like we were two ships passing in the night.
As I approached my six week postpartum appointment at the OB, I did not feel ready to get back on the proverbial horse of life. I had no desire to return to my beloved hot yoga classes or do anything I would now be allowed to do. I didn’t want to get ready for anything – I hated how I looked in the mirror. I didn’t want to return to my part time job, I didn’t want to write on my blog, and I had zero interest in… anything. My weekly therapy sessions were scheduled to start again, but the thought of carving out an hour in my day to talk about life seemed impossible. So I pushed and shoved any weird feelings deep down inside- and postponed my appointment. My therapist texted me, “R U doing OK?” I replied, “I’m doing great! Just busy!”
Admitting and Accepting I Was Not Okay
I don’t know when or how I realized I was actually not okay. Apparently I just accepted feeling like I was living the dark while the rest of the world was basking in the light. Looking back now, I know there was numbness. There was suffocating sadness, some anger, and there were some scary, too scary to admit, thoughts. My purpose for existence had become a provider of the basics: food, clothes, emotional support and shelter. Nothing more. Nothing less.
My therapist still references how unwell I looked and acted, seemingly detached from the world, during my first appointment after having Arbor. It was during my second appointment I finally broke down – who knows what triggered the flood gates to open. But they did – and I told her everything. Even the thoughts I was embarrassed and nauseated to verbalize because if I said them aloud it made them real. I told her the truth. I was not okay.
One of the first emotions I felt after that second therapy appointment was HOPE. My therapist reminded me of my history with anxiety and depression and my success with defeating the darkness. She reminded me of my favorite quote: the only way out is through – and reiterated I was never alone on my journey to wellness.
It took me a long time to work through my postpartum depression. There were good days, and bad days, steps forwards and steps back. I could not have walked out of the shadows without the support of my therapist, my family, my friends, and even my online community.
If you’re a Mom battling any type of mental health disorder – you are not alone. Your experience – while unique – is valid. Maternal Mental Health conditions affect 1 in 5 women, but 3 out of 4 women remain untreated. Don’t be afraid to speak up – or reach out for help – because storytelling saves lives.
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