Can you tell I am freaking out about something in the above photo?? I totally was freaking out about something wedding related to Mr. Bear (this was taken the morning of our wedding) and the sad part is that it was something not worth freaking out about.
I have to be honest about something… I have serious anxiety issues. Like heart racing, stomach reeling, mind racing over nothing anxiety.
Like nightmares about tsunamis, or my hubs disappearring into thin air… sometimes it is a T-Rex stalking me in an empty warehouse…You name the unrealistic scenario, I’ve thought about it.
When I was at Uconn I saw a therapist after the first year Mr. Bear and I were long distance dating – after about three appointments consisting of me sobbing about the terrible tragedies I imagined my boyfriend, mom, sister, grandma, or really anyone who didn’t live in my dorm, being a part of, she told me I suffer from “catastrophic thinking.” Basically: I always think the worst.
I dry heave when I can’t get ahold of my mom for hours (obvi b/c she always answers her phone).
I hyperventilate when the seatbelt sign goes on while flying and immediately start saying, “Our Father.”
I hate driving on the interstate when a family member or someone I trust is not behind the wheel.
I don’t like being out of control – no skiing or surfing in my future.
I pray every night for every single person I know because I am afraid if I don’t they might get hurt or die.
I have some pretty pathetic issues.
Well, now I hope you can imagine what I feel like while dropping Mr. Bear off at the airport at 5:30 this morning. (My craziness is in full effect no matter if I am half asleep or fully awake.) I drive away from the curb and my mouth gets dry. I have to open the window and gulp in fresh air before I throw up the penne alla vodka I ate last night all over my steering wheel. I call my mom before I can start bawling like a baby when I hear, “Live like you’re dying” on the radio….that song isn’t even about your loved one disappearing after taking a business trip to California. But, I still feel a sob in my throat and my eyes burning with tears when he says, “You gotta tell em that we love em when we got the chance to say.”
Some people say that they like a little time away from their loved one. I can honestly say that the time we spend apart from 7am-7pm M-F is enough for me. I like my husband. I love hanging out with him. If he starts to annoy me I can always just go into another room and watch tv.
Most of the time we have a hoot together. He makes me laugh so hard. Just last night when we heard an ad for Showtime’s “The Tudors” – we both started giggling. “The tooters??” he said, “Pfffftttt (insert toot sound here).” He knows that toot sounds make me laugh – so he keeps on rewinding the commercial and inserting a fart sound every time the announcer says “The Tudors.” No one can make me fall off the couch with a glass of wine in my hand like my hubsby.
He truly appreciates my cooking – and I am really starting to realize that the joy and fulfillment I get out of my husband’s stuffed tummy is pretty awesome. When he is gone I don’t cook. I eat Reese’s, bananas, and blocks of Colby Jack cheese.
I don’t make coffee at home- I waste my money on gas station coffee- because who cares if I get bad gas from the crappy coffee?
I don’t shower. I hate showering in general. But when Mr. Bear isn’t home, what is the point of smelling pretty and looking nice when you spend your days with two little boys under the age of 7?
Mr. Bear comes home late Friday night…
Until then you can find me with my crisco on my doorknobs, stilletos turned heel side up in front of my bedroom door (obviously I think I am Kevin from Home Alone), and a very smelly frizzy haired Mrs. Bear with gas station coffee breath, dirty fingernails, and Reese’s smeared on her cheek. Pretty picture, huh?
brown eyed girl says
Aww, you’ll be alright! 🙂 I engage in catastrophic thinking too, generally centered around airline flights, bridges, and people trying to kill me from behind. It’s kind of awesome, but I do what I can to keep it in check! Do you have movies, books, or anything to entertain you? I’d try and make a new recipe – you’re so good at cooking, you could probably make a base of something and then re-style it for a few different types of lunches and dinners through the week until Mr. Bear’s return!
Oh my goodness I was nodding through that entire post! I ALWAYS worry way more than is necessary and I’m always worrying the worst. things. ever. it’s awful, but I can never make myself change it! arrrg!!
I’m especially bad after I watch a sad movie…then my mind REALLY starts a’crankin’.
I hope this week flies by for you! I hope your little ones keep you busy so you can just come home and zonk out!
Adorably Distracted... says
Aww I am the same exact way! Hubs leaves me for 9 days in June and I’m not looking forward to it. I feel like such a baby too but everything you said I can totally relate too! I picture the worse case scenario every time!! And I eat salad from a bag… classy… i know.
Lauren @ Dreams Take Flight says
I feel like you just told my life story! I even got the “catastrophic thinking” line from a therapist I saw in college too. You are definitely not alone!
I hate when Fred leaves. It’s the worst. You aren’t alone. And I’ll be thinking about you until he returns. 🙂
hilarous! i turn into the same kind of monster when MY mister is out of town!!! AND have the same kind of freak out attacks if i can’t get a hold of him. i imagine him gone, the call i’ll get from the police, the way i’ll feel when i’m a widow, almost to the point where i believe it and am in TEARS until i hear from him!!! unfortunately i have to take this for the next 5 weeks 🙁 but at least it’s better than it used to be, it USED to be 15 weeks!!! eek!!! and it’s usually during our anniversary, his birthday AND my birthday!!! this year’s it’s just during our anniversary and my birthday, but at least he comes home ON our anniversary!!! hang in there little bear, you can do it!!!
You poor thing! I feel your pain! My anxiety while flying got so bad that I ended up having to get a prescription for it (this coming from the kid who used to LOVE turbulence). I also worry about EVERYTHING (like the things you described). I am sure that when it comes time to have children I will be a nut job.
Hang in there and just think about how happy you will be when you see him on Friday! 🙂
Sole Matters says
OMGAH i am that same way. i start to worry really badly if i dont hear from someone. i hate it.
Ohhhhhh I HATE that feeling – seriously, it has to be the worst either.
I get that same feeling but for different reasons and it is just gross.
Is he going to be going out of town a lot for this new job?
I am thinking of you… and if you get bored and want to play Words with Friends with me just look me up (I am kissmycheek for that game!)
Thinking of you lovely lady!!!
Friday will be here before you know it 🙂
Aww I feel the same way when my hubby goes out of town! Paranoid and having the diet of a poor college student. 🙂 He’ll be home before you know it!
Ashley @ Ramirez Family says
You crack me up…I am the same way with just about everything you said here. ha
Lovely Chaos says
I have to tell you– I understand completely. G doesn’t answer his phone while he’s walking home from work? He’s been mugged and he’s gone forever. I have LOTS of anxiety issues and they are not fun:(